moving beyond blame
This Summer has given me a gift. Time to process my emotions at a slower pace. I am still in the healing part of the journey so it is from a place of learning that I share this with you today.
For years now, I have kept myself in a perpetual loop of joining program after program, hiring coach after coach, in the hopes that they would have some magic formula to solve all my problems.
When I reflect on these times, I've often felt hurt or disappointed at the end of a program. The common theme - I had placed each of them on a pedestal as women who had all the answers.
That, my friend, is what you call a red flag. 🚩
Shaming myself for doing this (to myself and to these women) was not going to be helpful. What would be helpful is deciding how to move forward. Enter radical responsibility.
Radical responsibility is the conscious act of looking inward to identify where we need to hold ourselves responsible for our actions and emotions so we can take ownership of the outcome.
I see it as a way to reclaim control of my own reality. To own my own experience.
It is infinitely easier to blame others for a poor result than to look at the common denominator.
Yes, it is me. I'm the common thread.
The more I've reflected the more I've realized I've been holding onto what was once an adaptive(protective) behaviour from childhood that is now maladaptive(destructive).
The adaptive behaviour I used as a young girl to counter the hurt of exclusion (often by groups of girls) was to blame all my problems on others. At 5, I had limited tools to deal with my emotions. It was the only way my brain made sense of it all.
THE LIGHTBULB WENT OFF when I realized that the once adaptive behaviour had become maladaptive in my adult years. WHAT?? Placing blame has shown up in a LOT of my female relationships, particularly in those where I was desperate to be seen by women I truly admired.
I had abandoned myself and looked to others for love, acceptance and belonging.
Yes, it kinda felt like the worst day of my life. How did I miss seeing this??
It still hurts to write this - I've been playing the victim. I've blamed others for my lack of progress or not seeing the success I've desired from working with a coach, I've been overly critical of programs others have created & I've self sabotaged my own progress. Owning this makes me a little 🤢.
Here is where I'm still a tiny bit unsure - I can see my role in the past, take radical responsibility for my part AND there can ALSO be other factors at play during these exchanges (after all, we all carry our baggage into relationships). Taking radical responsibility doesn't mean I am blaming myself for everything. I know two things can be true at the same time.
So, I'm doing the necessary emotional mining (uncovering the feelings below the surface) to address underlying issues. Taking this action helps me step towards the person I want to be and not feel stuck in an identity that makes me feel icky.
I'm also taking control of my decision-making. When a program or coach comes along that I'm drawn to(and it will happen because I value growth), I will take the time to journal on these questions before making a decision:
Is this program in alignment with my values?
Am I searching for a quick fix to a problem in my life right now?
How does this program/coach make me feel? Why am I drawn to them?
Have I gotten quiet and listened to my intuition before making a final decision?
The last part of this is accepting myself as I am. It's obvious I've made some mistakes along the way but even with all this (and it is quite a LOT), I can offer myself compassion and understanding. I have tools to help regulate my nervous system so I can access perspective on it all.
The end story - being human is tough sometimes and I don't always get it right. That, my friend, is ok.
xoxo,