Posted on April 14, 2020
I’m getting exactly what I want but it looks nothing like how I imagined
My current situation is not unlike yours.
I’m working at home, juggling the needs of myself, family & business with school work for my Grade 5’er. I’m stressed about what my future is. I’m continually cleaning something. I’m eating all the carbs in sight. I’m drinking more coffee than water on most days. I’m doing what I can to flatten this curve and keep my family safe.
So my focus today was to work on my mental state. I feel like a bomb of issues has exploded in my head. Right now, my brain is searching for some sort of control and certainty.
I’ve been leaning into learning about myself slowly this past year. Most recently, thoughts have turned to wonder about what my business will look like in the next few weeks. What problems do I have the skill set to solve for those around me? How can I be filled with purpose? It’s caused me a few restless nights, to say the least.
What dawned on me today(thanks to a mentors prompting) is that we often get exactly what we ask for but usually not in the way we think it will show up. And we aren’t always so excellent at receiving it.
Let me explain.
At the start of the year, I went through a process called Desire Mapping. I highly recommend it btw. Anyways, I set out to find a group of words – feelings actually – that would be my focus for the foreseeable future, how I’d set goals around this group of emotions. My previous grouping – clarity, ease, harmony, fierce, cherish – lasted me just over 3 years. These 5 words had guided me a long way, but I could feel that they weren’t quite hitting the mark anymore.
So I dug into the process in December.
I wrestled with finding a deeper meaning to so many words. Each time trying them on for a period to see if they were a fit. After weeks the words that came round were – nourished, sovereign, tuned in & deeply connected.
Well, holy fuck.
After the prompt today, I realized I’m getting every single one of these. Like x100. Not as I imagined in the least, but I’m getting exactly what I’ve asked for.
Ok universe, message received. Loud and fucking clear. I’ve got it. Want to know what I thought these words meant and see how they are actually showing up? Yeah, you know you do.
My plan – I would take steps to take care of my health – mind, body & soul. I’d change habits, drink my water & only surround myself with positive people.
My current reality – Taking care of yourself actually means rest. Nothing like a pandemic to make you stop for a moment, hey? I had to face my coping mechanisms – No numbing, no vices, just peeling back the layers and give that gift of self-worth to myself first.
My plan – I’m in charge of how I feel and no one is in charge of that except me. I wasn’t going to take on other people’s opinions of me, they aren’t mine to carry.
My current reality – I cannot rely on outside sources to determine my future at this moment, I am wholly self-reliant. No government aid(at this moment anyway), no bailouts. I have higher capacity than I have given myself credit for and now is the time to start to flex those muscles.
My plan – tap into my natural gifts and abilities and learn to trust my instincts. No more expending energy on endeavours that didn’t serve me.
My current reality – my natural abilities include supporting others in meaningful and authentic ways. It’s part of what fills my tank, and right now, that is a part of me that is lit up. I am creating ways to invite women together to share their experiences because I know the connection is something we are all craving.
My plan – set up a daily practise like meditation and journaling that would be restful for me. Reconnect with that spiritual part that has been ignored.
My current reality – a willingness to feel hurt and connecting to it without judgement. This has shaken my world.
We are all experiencing this collective trauma. We are mourning the life that once was. We are grasping for any way we can to make sense of our future. For me, I realized I had a very false sense of control over my life. At the moment, it feels like I’m on this wave that never quite makes it to shore. It ebbs and flows with no clear end in sight.
My invitation to you – stay curious during this time. There might just be a glimmer of hope that you never saw before today.